Trying to Forget
by Hawk Sister
Summary: [One-shot] Follow-up to I remember. A Herald mourns his lost love on Sovvan night...


Hm… I know some people wanted other songs written, but this came up and bit me, so it's got priority over sitting at my computer and staring at the blank screen.

Dedicated to Shannon, for no particular reason. And for Vanyel. Can I do that? Why not?

This is a follow-up to I remember, so it shouldn't be too hard to guess who's speaking.

***

I stood on the parapet walls, seeing myself as others must through my Companion's eyes. A lone, white-clad figure, stiffly standing guard over the Palace walls, my black hair almost invisible against the velvety night sky.

_:You flatter yourself, Chosen,_: she teased me gently. I knew that it was only teasing, though, she'd talked about people swooning over my pretty face often enough. I looked up into the night sky; moonless, starless, just a faint glow that reflected the bonfire the Heralds' had built for their fête.

I clenched my jaw and looked away. It was Sovvan night, of course, and everyone except me celebrated. I stood here on the parapet now because I didn't want to be with the Herald's, didn't want to be reminded of what I had so unfairly lost. So I took the spot that no other wanted to fill, leaving them to live, and love, and laugh while I mourn.

_No…_ I shook my head, trying to clear away the memories that swept up unbidden, the memories that came to haunt me every year.

_Just a few more minutes,_ I thought, _just a few more until the Guard comes to relieve me. I suppose I'll just try to sleep, then. Anything but standing here and being haunted by my own mistakes._

"Herald-Mage," the Guard who had come started, then stepped back in surprise when I bit my lip and turned away, nodding shortly. 

"Thank you, Geran," I say, walking to the stairs. Before he could say anything more, I ran off, off into the Companion's field. Not the part where the Heralds celebrated, they were on the other side of the Terilee River.

Two years have passed and still it happens. Every year I try, try to stand alone and remember him. But it is so hard not to weep for the loss, and as I ran, I gave in.

I fell to my knees in a pine grove, one of the shadowed places that was so like another, one that I had frequented two short years ago. Two short years in which a life time of changes had occurred, gifts given and taken.

And as I do so, I struggle to retain control over myself, like the control I had once had.

_:Chosen,:_ my Companion said, worried. _:Chosen, you can't keep yourself away like this. It isn't healthy. Just… release it. Maybe some of the poison will leave.:_ I didn't think that it would help, but I had no reason do doubt my Companion. So I tried.

I closed my eyes and gave in. I gave in to the tears, to the hopelessness, to the empty feeling inside. And when I gave in, the memories returned, and even as I remembered, I tried to forget.

***

I try to forget the way my father looked at me, even before I understood what was happening. Even before I was what I am now. How he didn't seem to care at all, but resented the fact that I preferred to spend time with my cousin and mother than practicing sword-play. How he hated my love of music, and would try anything to get me to stop.

I try to forget the loneliness, the knowledge that I am truly alone. That only one person truly cares for me, and that she is gone. That I walk alone, in shadows, trying to find salvation and only finding damnation. That even my parents turn their back to who I am, to what I am.

I try to forget the pain. The pain of my body, and the pain of my spirit, as I watch and know that I was being punished, punished for not conforming to their beliefs. That I wasn't the child they wanted. That they would be happier if I wasn't there. 

I try to forget the ice, death in the form of peace. Such a tempting peace, a peace that will shield me from everyone and everything so long as I keep my shield strong. The first test that I have, I keep the shield strong, and I hold. It guards me, only asking that I look to nothing else for protection. It does not betray me, leave me open to the barbed words of the world.

I try to forget how _easy_ it was, so seductively easy. How it was so much easier to close myself off from the world than risk being hurt again. How the ice took the pain away, numbed the wound, even if it didn't close it. How the ice was better than a friend, for it would not leave you.

I try to forget how even though it was easy, it was hard at times. How I had to struggle at times to keep the ice within me. How when I saw the Bards, the ice slunk away, and I had to call it back full force to ease the pain. How when I saw _him_, it was hard to call even the ice, how I had to stay away to keep my control over my emotions.

I try to forget the dreams, dreams in which I die, dreams in which I go to ice. The dreams that saved me, then damned me. The dreams that were life and death. They were like an addiction, an addiction that had to be fed. And even when I tried to make them leave, the other dreams were just as bad. The dreams where I die, alone. Or the dreams where I see him, and know that I can't have him.

I try to forget realizing what I am. How I realized that I wasn't sick, that it wasn't my jumpy nerves that reacted every time I saw him. That it was _him_, and that if there was one wrong thing I could do, that would be to want him.

I try to forget opening myself to someone, letting go of the ice and pain. How worried I was when I tried, afraid of rejection. How good it felt, to know that finally there was someone who would care, someone who wouldn't laugh at me, or hurt me. How worried I still was, only this time it was back to a fear of what my father might do if he found out.

I try to forget the acting I had to go through, how I wanted to scream from the Palace walls just what I thought and where my father could go if he objected. How the people I had found simply boring before now seemed self-centered and egoistic, how the people I had tentatively avoided turned out to be wonderfully friendly. How when I was around _him_, and in public, I would turn my nose in the air and walk off, and how he'd glare at me. How much that glare hurt, even though I knew it was only acting.

I try to forget how happy I was, even though I knew what father would do if he found out. How I spent every free moment with _him_, how Ant made faces and jokes around us, obviously pleased but worried about her brother's wrath. How her other two lifebonded students winked and carried on, knowing what we went through.

I try to forget the shock of death, not mine, not his, but his twin brother's, a sharp pain that rang through the bond we shared. How he went into a sudden fit, one like those he'd had before he was Chosen. How there was _nothing _I could do, nothing but wait and see if he would stop. How when it stopped, he was unconscious, and Aunt had shown up with some other Heralds to tend him.

I try to forget the look in his eyes when he talked about revenge, a smoldering fire that I knew would soon spark into rage. How I helped him find what he needed, then went with him to exact his revenge. How I knew that until he got his revenge, he would no longer be the man I knew and loved.

I try to forget what he conjured, snake-like _wyrsa_, with venomous teeth and long necks. How they lunged for the defenseless people, intent on the hunt. How his face was a mask of rage and sorrow. How before they even touched one of his brother's slayers, his Companion flung herself into their midst. But not before repudating him.

I try to forget the pain that swept through the bond, making me want to fall over. First the emptiness when she repudiated him, then the loss when she died. Then more pain, this time my own, as the Heralds pulled us back through a Gate. How he sat like a limp rag doll.

I try to forget what happened next, always I do. But I can't, not when it's the reason that he no longer walks beside me. How he ran up the tower and hurled himself to his death. How I fled, and ran into my Companion, though I tried – for her sake – to stay away.

I try to forget trying to take my own life. How I heard the thoughts of others, and realized that I was worthless. How the knife cut into my wrists, how the blood welled up and fell on the floor. How Aunt and the others had saved me, though I knew the truth. It would have been better if I had died in his place.

I try to forget how stubborn I was when the _Tayledras_ Healed me, how I wouldn't see past anything but his death. How when they tried to comfort me, I rebuffed them, as they had never felt the shattering pain left by a broken lifebond. How I tried to flee again, only fleeing into duty.

I try to forget the scream and death that made me realize what I had to do. How before I could even act, two lives were wasted. How I blasted the thing, though it wouldn't bring those who had died back. How the people didn't blame me. How Aunt and the _Tayledras_ forgave me.

I try to forget the near-seduction of that mage. How he gained his blood-wrought power, controlling people and forcing them to slay each other. How we fought after I refused him, and I should have died. But by some miracle, the _Tayledras_ were coming, and they saved me. How I grumbled when I added up all the time that someone's had to save me.

I try to forget, but it isn't easy. So I will remember, for his sake.

***

I stood up again, starting to feel a little self-conscious. I brushed grass and pine needles from my knees, and then wiped my face with my sleeve. If I cried, at least I wouldn't bear the signs for everyone to remember the one that I lost. Most of them denied him already, as though he never lived. And it would have hurt the others, the ones who held him dear to their hearts.

_I should have died with him._ It wouldn't be the first time that I've thought that, and it wouldn't be the last. But at least my Companion didn't notice, or at least she knows that I wouldn't try to take my life again.

I reached down, picking up a pine bough on a whim. It was perhaps a little longer than my forearm, and it curled slightly. The needles still smelt sharply of pine, so it must have fallen off in a recent storm. I walked to the far end of the field, keeping the branch with me.

There is an obelisk there, a tall pillar to commemorate the Heralds who have died. It was new, perhaps since the reign of Elspeth's grandfather, and from my point of view, there were already too many names carved upon it.

I read the names over, not really seeing any of them but one. That one name cut me like a sword, piercing my heart. I whispered it softly into the still night, doing honor to it and the one who bore the name. Then I laid the bough at the base of the pillar, and walked away quickly, before the tears started again.

_Tylendel Frelennye._ The name echoed in my mind, reminding me even as I tried to dull the pain.

And I was so busy trying to forget that I didn't listen, didn't hear the wind that whispered softly through the pine needles that I had left.

_Soon,_ it said, _soon. Just wait, _ashke_. Just wait._

***

Well, I'm not sure if that was as good as the first one. But, here it is. Let me know.  
Hawk


End file.
